Something to Hold Onto (P'len)

[darkaire]

Firelight flickered across a pale face, catching two streaks trailing from even paler eyes. K'sah hiccuped softly, clutching a blanket to him, burying his face into the fabric. He hadn't bothered to unfold it or use it properly, as he was curled up on the closest couch to the fire and didn't need it. It was there for comfort, as something to hold onto.

The greenrider had waited until he thought the other Weyrlings were asleep and had stolen out, leaving even Nariath to creep alone into the Weyrhall and find a couch. He tipped over onto his side and rested his head on the armrest and pulled the blanket up to his face, breathing into it, just concentrating on the smell. If he breathed deep enough, he could smell V'nes in the fabric. It'd been a sevenday since he'd stolen it from the Candidate Master's room, and it was starting to lose its smell. And that smell was the only thing that kept him going sometimes. Just that memory was usually enough.

But tonight it wasn't, and the greenrider cried quietly into the fabric. K'sah had never been a strong person to begin with, but with his brother's recent attention he'd gotten even weaker. It was hard to hold up against the person he trusted most, because yes, he did trust D'leon. He might be a prick, a bully and generally bad tempered, but at least he was consistent. With a thick swallow he curled up into a tighter ball, staring blindly into the fire.

He had always thought that once he Impressed things would get better. Even if Impression was supposed to be his 'punishment' from his father, he'd thought it'd be better than Hold life. So far it wasn't. He hadn't really made friends with any of the Weyrlings - he suspected they all considered him weak and spineless - and the only person he ever hung out with was V'nes. But even the brownrider was holding him at arm's length. Oh, he knew why, but it still didn't help the lonliness.

[thedreamerlady]

P'len, as it turned out, was beginning to get a second sense when it came to discovering Weyrlings who ran off into the darkness. When he'd awoken that night, shocked from his light sleep by the soften noise, P'len had been instantly wary.

Though he'd expected D'leon to be sneaking away at night, his younger brother, K'sah, was a shock for P'len. But there the boy was, crying, or at least sniffling, obviously upset. P'len was rather ashamed that he hadn't realized something was troubling the Greenrider until then.

He didn't know the Greenrider very well, and P'len was slightly unsure about how to approach him. Deciding it didn't really matter- he just needed to try, P'len smiled wearily, and wished for an extra hours in a day.

"Want to talk to someone?"

[darkaire]

K'sah froze up when he heard a voice. It was one that sounded familiar, but he couldn't place any name to it. Shuddering at the thought of being caught crying - great, it would only enforce the idea that he was weak - he rubbed the heel of his palm into his eyes, trying to clear them, still huddled into the couch and refusing to look at whoever it was. Maybe if he huddled far enough into it then the man wouldn't be able to see his face.

When his hand wasn't enough, he bunched the blanket up near his face to blot at his cheeks, voice muffled through it. "Since when did anyone care?" It might have been a bit self-demeaning to say that, but in his mind it was true. Not that he'd tried reaching out to anyone too much, but it still hurt.

[thedreamerlady]

P'len chuckled softly at K'sah's sass. He moved himself around the couch, and dropped down to sit next to K'sah. No move was made to touch the Greenrider- that didn't seem like a good idea for the time being.

"I have no idea. I'm sure your Green cares at the very least. So someone's cared for the last four months. And I care, but I don't think we've formally met. I'm P'len, pleased to meet you."

It wasn't the best P'len could do, but, the man thought to himself as he pulled lightly on a chuck of his fluffy black hair, it was the best he could do this time of night(or perhaps morning). He really hoped this had nothing to do with D'leon. P'len didn't like the other Bronzerider, but he really didn't feel like getting into D'leon power plays. It was just his luck, getting stuck with a bronze, and in the same clutch as a Bronzerider like D'leon.

[darkaire]

He startled when he felt the couch shift, and bolted for the other side, sitting up and tipping his face down and away from the other. His cheeks were still stained with tears and his eyes were probably red. Not the most attractive thing to see on an otherwise attractive boy. He sniffled and rubbed at his nose, shutting his eyes against the glare of the fire. A muffled disagreement was quick to sound, but a moment after K'sah felt bad over it.

The blanket was shifted away from his face, though still stuffed up around his neck, needing some sort of physical comfor. For such a senstive person, K'sah was surprisingly physical-oriented. The more he was touched, the happier he tended to be, even if the touches were not ones most people would not ordinarily want. He sniffled again and spoke quietly.

"Nariath only cares when she wants something," he mumbled, and it was mostly true. The Green cared about him, but felt this was something he needed to get over on his own. Besides, if he kept relying on her, he'd never make any friends of his own. But K'sah wasn't exactly friendly once he got out of his shell. At least, he wasn't friendly when he was just caught crying. "P'len, is it? How can you care if you've never met me? You didn't even know me until just now!" He sounded surprisingly like his brother with that statement, but it was something he'd picked up from the elder. A defense mechanism for hiding embarassment.

[thedreamerlady]

"I did know you." P'len replied while staring straight forward. The bronzerider was unsure of how to explain, and decided to just plow forward.

"You're my wingmate, I got to know you. And maybe I don't know you best, but that doesn't mean I can't care what's up with you. Don't you want friends?"

P'len was honestly surprised at K'sah's bratty behavior. Sure, the boy was probably used to getting beat down, he'd met the man's brother after all, and D'leon wasn't getting any love from P'len. But still, he shouldn't reject a friendly rider right off the bat.

Pausing, P'len waited for K'sah to explain himself.

[darkaire]

K'sah shrank into the couch, but the words did the trick. A firm tone was always best with him, always did get through better than straight kindness. He nodded a bit glumly and shifted slightly to allow P'len to sit if he wished.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so...I guess my brother rubbed off on me a bit," he sighed, trying to smile. It didn't really work, and he stared into the fire, letting the heat sear into his eyes and dry the tears there. No need to be crying in front of the other, right? "And I do want friends," he mumbled into the blanket, not sure if he wanted the other to hear at all.

[thedreamerlady]

"Well as long as you want friends, why don't you tell my while your up so late, staring into the fire?" P'len asked nicely, making sure that he didn't mention the other's tearstained face.

Shifting slightly, P'len tucked his legs under himself, trying to warm up a little bit. He was used to the cold of course, but just because you grew up in a cold, stone Weyr didn't mean you were immune to it's effects. At least his head was warm- the thick afro kept his head warm almost all of the time, and a thick jacket kept the rest away.

"And don't worry about it. Relax. We're going to be getting to know each other for the next turn and a half. It's in both of our best interests to get to know each other."

[darkaire]

"The fire is pretty?"

K'sah winced and shook his head almost immediately after saying it. That had been stupid. Even he would have known it was a fake excuse had someone else said it. Swallowing a bit nervously, he decided to take P'len at his word. He didn't seem like such a bad guy. Maybe he could trust him. Besides, what did he have to lose?

"I couldn't sleep...because it hurts to be alone. A lot," he admitted something again, though not quite fessing up to crying. Even if he knew it was obvious what he'd been doing. And it was hard to relax, as K'sah was naturally a rather tense boy without some sort of physical contact. Even so, he made an effort and sat up rather than leaning away, still clutching the blanket to himself.

[thedreamerlady]

P'len almost left at K'sah's fake reason for being there. Really, it was annoying, and pointless to say something like that, but just was he was readying to leave, and go back to his nice warm cot, K'sah fessed up.

And so P'len stuck around.

"Alone? You aren't really alone though. Unless you mean, well, sexually." P'len looked at the Greenrider oddly. Though the black man wasn't known for his chastity, he hadn't had a problem with sleeping alone yet. But every person was different, and it really wasn't something he ought to be judging.

[darkaire]

The greenrider blushed darkly at the question, almost as scarlet as the fire he turned his eyes from. They rested on the other for a moment before falling. He was trying, really. He didn't want P'len to leave now that he'd decided to try. And so he told the truth. Well, most of it. K'sah didn't want to speak of V'nes, as it only made the pain so much worse.

"Well, that, t-too," if it was possible, he blushed even darker. "I haven't been with anyone since I came here. And not just sexually," oddly enough, he had no problem saying that aloud, though he stuttered over simpler words. "Also just in any way. Sure, lessons and eating and sleeping in the Barracks. But...I haven't really talked to anyone like this."

K'sah glanced at him again, but then found the fire a safer place to stare. The fire couldn't reject him.

[thedreamerlady]

"You mean, you're alone because you don't know any of the other Weyrlings?" P'len said, piecing together the information that K'sah was offering, and nodded. That would make sense, because though a dragon was amazing, and filled a place you didn't know you had, friends were something different.

"Would you like me to introduce you to some of the other Weyrlings? Most of them are very good people, and you'd probably like them." It was an ernest offer, and P'len felt like a fool for allowing the Greenrider to go along this long without making any friends.

"I mean, most of us thought you liked being alone, and didn't want to intrude." It was true, though it might have had something to do with not wanting to mess with his brother either.

[darkaire]

K'sah would have understood if he'd said that no one really wanted to get mixed up with his brother. He bore the brunt of the bronzerider's antics, and knew it could get painful to live with. Though lately his brother had seemed to take an interesting in one Weyrling in particular. Odd, but he didn't want to think about it or he might feel guilty about letting D'leon bully someone else that wasn't used to it.

"I just...I appreciate your offer, but..." he bit at his lip, giving P'len a long, sideways glance. "But my brother might not like it." More admissions. He was so weak against his brother. "He might come after you or the other Weyrlings just for talking to me. I don't want to..." He shook his head and looked down again, words softer. "I don't want anyone to blame me for his attentions."

That would be worse than having no friends.

[thedreamerlady]

When K'sah refused his offer, and because of his brother, P'len's mouth tightened slightly. D'leon, it seemed, was everything he hated about Bronzeriders rolled into one.

"K'sah, it doesn't matter if your brother doesn't like it. You deserve friends, and I think your brother would find a fault with most of the Weyrlings if you're friends with them, or not."

And, though P'len didn't say it out loud, it would give the other rider a chance to have a chat about manners with each other. D'leon, he was sure, would enjoy it greatly.

"And if you don't make friends now, then maybe you won't make friends when you graduate either. It's your life, and if you want friends, then have them."

[darkaire]

It was an instinctive movement that drove him to touch the other's arm, though it was still a timid touch. His eyes had rounded out, expressing the fear P'len had unintentionally caused.

"I want to have friends," he said this almost desperately, said it into the other's face for the first time. The thought of not having friends now, or by the time he graduated, or ever...it scared the shards out of him. He was worried about what D'leon might do, yes. but P'len seemed man enough to handle it. And there was the fact that his brother was being watched rather closely. He doubted he could get away with anything any time soon. Maybe it was time enough for K'sah to make friends.

"I don't want anyone to get hurt because of something I did," he did try again, rephrasing it a little better this time.