Secrecy (J'var)

[brimstone81]

J'var nodded a bit glumly to her encouragement, "Yea, I'm sure. . ." Of course he had no choice but to fit in. He had no choice but to try, and it wasn't as if he didn't plan on winning Saharth again. Ionuth would fly for the queen again, unless of course Laszreen had Impressed he might only fly for her. Well, it was no use dwelling on the Igen Stud more than he had to. J'var was more than eager to take A'stin's place one day. After all, a man couldn't stay young forever, and J'var was only twenty so he was just entering his prime while A'stin was at his peak. This thought made him grin a little. Haha, time was still at his side for the moment.

J'var had no reason but to believe Laszreen when she said her next peice and he just shrugged, "No, it's not your fault." It wasn't, he didn't think. Well, thoughts of her did consume him sometimes, but it was of no consequence. It was he that was inadequate. He ran a hand through his thick, dark hair. Yet in reality, it was probably true, he couldn't feel sparks with Jenafa because it was Laszreen that made him burn. But he was a man, and such things didn't make sense to him at this time. He was young, he should burn for any woman.

He nodded at her remarks about Saylen. He had noticed how beautiful the Weyrwoman was, but he had also noticed her oddity. Maybe it wasn't the queenrider's fault, like Laszreen had implied, queenriding was a hard job. Not every woman was meant for it, but still Shaye did it, and was still alive to prove it. "Yeah, maybe she'll turn out to be a nice lady. But as you say, she's sort of flighty."

J'var shrugged, "Well, they will only choose a dozen of the best, or so." He had meant to make it sound like that wasn't a lot, like it was no big deal, but then realized it made her chances sound worst. Twelve of the best for one egg? He quickly amended, "Well, it would make Impressing all the more sweeter. Plus a few of the girls will probably be mauled. . ." Shocked realization flashed across his face, "Not that I maan you could be one, no, I think you'll too well." He sighed, "I just mean to say is that I have some faith in you."

[hrsegrl]

The petite young woman was more tired than she realized and yawned into the hand she lifted to cover her mouth. "J'var, you look troubled." Laszreen said honestly, for she hated liars. "Really, if something is bothering you, you should tell me. I'd tell you. That is what being friends is about you know." The brunette scooted back on the bed till she was against a pillow.

As much as she tried to ignore it, the bed was calling to her. She was much more comfortable now. Well there were worse things after a long day than laying on a friend's bed. She was willing to bet that the reason J'var was available and not sleeping with the Junior was because the pair didn't sleep together. That had to bother a handsome young Bronzerider like J'var. In her opinion, it couldn't hurt the arrogant man to have his ego bruised now and again. Though she had to admit she did not like seeing him so down.

Twelve? She could handle that. Maulings? No problem. Impress the Queen? PROBLEM! How in Faranth's name would a holdbred Bitran impress a Gold? She wanted to believe it was in her, she had to believe it was but still there was a small voice telling her that nothing was set in stone. The little Queen had to choose who would be right for her. "I just keep trying to think past the Hatching and its as if my life depends on the outcome. I can not go home and I will not become a drudge." Drudgery was for dimglows or lazy people with a lack of ambition or dreams beyond that of being a breeding machine.

[brimstone81]

J'var could sweet talk Jenafa all he wanted, but if he wasn't consistent, he'd never keep the queenrider to himself and keep his position. After all, she had 'needs.' He had saved himself again, but how much longer could he go with out really feeling it? Well, Laszreen would understand if he did what he had to to keep himself on top. So what was wrong? Did he actually feel guilty about seducing Jenafa, or was it his terrible jealousy over who got Laszreen's affections? Well, he didn't want to confess to either of them-even if she had a point. Friends confide in friends, and Laszreen was quickly becoming like his best friend. Well, here went nothing, "I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes I just feel like I'm out of place for some reason. I'm not as good as A'stin yet, and I don't know how long I can hold Jenafa's affections. If I get out of favor I'll never hold my spot as Weyrsecond."

"You were never cut out to be a drudge," He said heatedly, "You deserve to be admired and served, as a Lady or a Queenrider. Just believe that you can do it. Remember? You told me the same thing when I was worried about loosing Saharth." He wondered if she could ever become a Lady now, now that she was exposed to the loose morals of the Weyr. What lord would want her if he figured she had a go around with all the young men at Igen? This was her only chance. And he wanted for her to excell so badly.

[hrsegrl]

Laszreen watched his expressions change. He was thinking a lot about what he was going to say. Maybe she had been too pushy but it had seemed the right thing to do, encourage him. Encourage his relationship with another, more powerful and beautiful woman who had a Gold dragon.. Sometimes she wondered if she had done it for her own selfish reasons alone. Sure they were part of it. There was a Gold on the sands now, in part thanks to her. Not that she could really take credit. Ionuth and Saharth ought to get the credit for that.

"J'var, you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself. Jenafa is known to go through Bronzers ever turn or two. She obviously likes variety which is a good thing when it comes to clutches really." She wasn't making him feel better. It was never Laszreen's strong point, dealing with people. If she could tell him that there was a reason for him not to want Jenafa then at least he would focus on that instead of her not wanting him. Laszreen didn't know how long she could hide her true feelings either but it had better be long enough for her to impress and go through weyrlinghood.

"The question you must ask yourself: Is it worth it? Is being Weyrsecond worth all this stress and self doubt? You are young to be a Weyrsecond, perhaps you should let this be a learning experience and not see it the same as you would were you a few Turns older than now. I think there will be plenty of time for you to lead, even if you have to wait for a time before you win again..." Laszreen wasn't a fan of Jenafa for one reason and that reason was J'var.

She patted on the bed, inviting him over in a way, though not as a sexual invite, more as a good friend or family member would. " It's more comfortable here." She said with a warm expression in her brown eyes. That he was so concerned for her future, pleased her. If anything, J'var was ebign optimistic for her. "I don't know that I deserve all of that. I can not go back to being a Lady, not ever. Even if I tried to marry in, its too late. I've been disowned and the Weyr has a reputation. It matters little that I've kept myself pure." Laszreen sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to do come Hatching day but I know I'm going to be strong and ready for whatever the outcome may be." She wasn't going to give up on her life if she didn't impress.

[brimstone81]

Her words helped and harmed him. What would he do if he didn't continue his trek up the social ladder? What if now that he won, he lost next time and then what would happen? Would he just go back to being a simple wingrider? Ugh. His mother would be pissed. He would be pissed at himself. Dissapointed. Maybe he wanted too much too fast. He was being selfish too. There were plenty of bronzers around and all of them wanted a hand in catching a gold. Yeah. Maybe he should be thankful that he had caught a gold. And Ionuth fathered a gold. He would be remembered for that, anyway, and that was worth every ounce of worry.

"Yes, it is worth it Laszreen. Power is worth it, don't you think? You worry about impressing gold, but in the end it would be worth it if you Impressed right?" He didn't know why he felt the need to defend himself, he just did. He didn't argue roughly, but he still felt a little bad for not just agreeing with her. When she tapped the bed, he came to her and slumped down, "I'm sorry Laszreen, it's just that it's really important to me. I haven't really done anything else with my life. Nothing brave or noble, like you leaving your family to forge a new life. I haven't defeated any enemies, not in a good sense. My rank is all I have."

He looked in her big brown eyes and felt lost for a moment, and she spoke. He replied to her, "I'd defend your honor if they asked me. I am still, for the time being Weyrsecond, and that means something, right?" And then he laughed a little and teased her, "Just making sure though for future reference, you are pure, right? You haven't been sleeping with A'stin or anything, right?" Of course teased her and grabbed a stuffed pillow to guard his face from a-hopefully- playful punch.

[hrsegrl]

They were not the same situations but Laszreen could see where he was coming from. She could have stayed at home and becoming a Lady if she had wanted. It would have been a powerful position as well. There were different kinds of power. Women had more power at the Weyr in her opinion though that was not the deciding factor in her coming here. That had been getting away from the people who had raised her. She could call them parents but she felt nothing for them anymore, only resentment. "As much as I want my position in this world, I cannot say that working myself to death would be worth it until I'm put in such a position." It was clear that she was concerned he was working more than he needed.

"You are thinking about that all wrong." She said, putting her wit to work. "You've done more by the age of twenty than most people will do their entire lives. If a Master crafter is born into his craft does that make him any less accomplished?" she paused, "My point is that yes you were brought up here but not everyone who is born here impresses. Fewer of them impress to a Bronze dragon and even fewer of them win Goldflights. Not to mention that you are young yet to have accomplished so much. You don't think you have anything but your rank and I'd have to disagree. Your a talented rider and a natural leader. Besides you know how to talk to people to get your way, which is usually handy in bad situations." Laszreen ignored the voice that said, and you have me.

The candidate didn't really worry about her purity. She knew that it was a big deal to Holders and Crafters but Weyrfolk had loose morals where that was concerned. She nearly blushed at his I'd defend you talk. Like she needed someone to defend her! Well, it was a nice thought. Then he said something that was mean and she nearly decked him but he had the pillow in the way and she was also thinking he was slightly jealous of any man she had mentioned. "HAH! If I wasn't pure do you really think I'd settle for a man like A'stin?" And then an evil thought hit her, she shouldn't say it. But she couldn't pass it up! With a mischievious glance in his direction, "At least I'm not in bed with a Candidate when I could be having the Junior Weyrwoman." She turned and tossed her curly hair behind her.

[brimstone81]

Well if there was one thing J'var did need, it was a level head, and Laszreen filled the void perfectly. Of course she was right. She was always right. And she was a woman. Growing up with women you'd think he'd know that by now! J'var felt like he needed guiding, first by his mother and now by Laszreen. He was so used to be told what to do it was insane. He really needed to do some more independent thinking. But this was a good excuse to get the woman all nice and cozy beside him. Oh yeah.

He smiled slowly, "Now now, that's not the vicious tunnel snake that I met. She would have heatedly argued that she was going to Impress no matter what. But I appreciate your will to live. I like you much better alive." At this point he might have put his arm around her or kissed her neck or embraced her or something. But this was his friend Laszreen, so he with all his might he stopped his hand from creeping closer to her on the bed.

"I see where you're going the 'be greatful' stuff. I know, I know, I just want to be better you know? It's hard for me to settle some times. I just need to be told what to do." He smirked at her. He would like her to tell him what to do. But no other woman. Except maybe the queenriders. And his mother. But that's it. Just the four of them. Right. . . "But you're right, Laz," and just when she might be triumphant in her rightness, he added with a chuckle, "I am a good sweet talker. I can persuade anyone."

J'var was secretly pleased when once again she admonished A'stin and totally denied him. Good. J'var didn't need that stud sniffing around like a canine in heat. Laszreen was still single, and that meant J'var still had a chance at her. He liked the thought of that. When she didn't hit him, he slowly lowered the pillow and heard her next words. He was surprized she said that. He threw down the pillow and snorted, "Yeah I don't know why either. I could be having fun with some one I cared about, or enjoying myself with some one I don't love at all. Well, I'm not so much of a brute as you might think of me. I chose to spend time one a bed, platonically with some one I liked a rather lot than a quick bout between the sheets. Can you blame me?"

[hrsegrl]

Laszreen was glad that he had listened to what she was saying and not at all dissapointed he disagreed with her. If they agreed on everything it would be a boring friendship. Besides she couldn't fault him for feeling how he felt about his own situation. "I do want to impress and will do everything I can to get it but not at the risk of my life. How can I be influential if I die?" She completely ignored his comment on wanting her alive outwardly but on the inside she was pleased.

She held back a yawn. Oh she was tired and comfortable and he was only making things more comfortable. She felt more at home here than in the Barracks. "Anyone?" Her voice was teasing. Something about this conversation made her think they were both no longer acting like 'just' friends. He was persuasive and she was demanding. Sharp as a knife's point, really. Neither of them were being other than who they were but the underlying tones of what was being said, made her realize they were flirting a little. She hadn't ever flirted with anyone before and so maybe he wouldn't notice.

Laszreen hung on his next words like any girl would but she pretended it didn't mean anything at first. He was being rather sweet. "You suprise me sometimes. Just when I think I understand what you want." Laszreen thought about it, "I mean as Weyrsecond you should want to be with Jen but you'd rather spend time with me?" She looked at him in wonder. He had will power, she knew that and so did she. They were rather evenly matched when it came to wits and ambition. She would like very much to give in to what she was feeling but she knew better.

PLacing her hand on his for a moment, she said, "J'var, do you think.." She stopped realizing it would sound wierd, "I could sleep here?" Laszreen couldn't take the girls she lived with tonight and she really couldn't sleep in that bad cot like bed they had at the Barracks. "I am so tired and the girls at the barracks are loud and rude and the bed is horrible." She really felt exhausted.

[brimstone81]

"Well better to die well known than to live all your life as a no one, isn't it? Get something great done and go out with a bang. That would be my legacy. Sometimes I doubt if I should have any children to pass my lineage on to." Well, maybe one day he would have them. Dragonmen were known to be quite potent in that area. His own father had, well, quite a few children. Maybe that's why he never desired more than three or four for himself. "But yeah, I understand that will to survive too. Maybe I'm too brazen for my own good. Need some one to keep me in line!"

He would be the first to concur that they were a good match. He almost wished they were holders and all he had to do was pay off her father for a marriage contract. Of course they might not see eye to eye on that at the moment, he was sure she would one day come to realize they were perfect for eachother. Actually, J'var was quite surprized at himself for wanting something for more than blind ambition. He was actually fond of Laszreen, and not because she had power that he desired, or that she could give him a favor. Maybe he was physically attracted to her, but there was a little more. She had a brilliant mind and a sharp personality. He liked it. He liked who he was when they were talking.

He chuckled, "Did I stutter? Yes, I like spending time with you, even though you are such a wiley little creature. You keep me on my toes. Aren't in the least bit boring." He smiled, "Maybe I shouldn't compliment you so much, that I rated your company over Jenafa's might go to your head."

Then she did it. She put her hand on him and asked to sleep in his bed. What could he say? He couldn't be a brute and expect anything in return. And he couldn't be a bad friend and turn her out or make her sleep on the floor. He swallowed, well, he could do this, he could sleep in the same bed with a young woman he lusted for and not touch her at all. He stared at her, "Uh, yes, that's fine. Those beds are pretty aweful." He broke his look, but unsure of what else to do with himself. She was an aweful temptress.

[hrsegrl]

"Of course. I think most people hope for that and few do anything to get it. As if greatness lands in ones lap." One had to work, persuade, plan and work even more to achieve something great. "Come now," she chuckled, "why wouldn't you want a bunch of little J'var's running around the Weyr?" That was meant as a jest and even picturing a bunch of little J'vars was funny. He might not have found it so but she did. "All men do, J'var, thats why they need women." She was in no place to keep him in line right now but maybe in the future she would.

Laszreen kept herself in check. If he was going to keep saying things like that she was going to have to harden herself. She liked him too much as it was. More than that, she liked being with him just talking which for most women would have been enough. Laszreen was not most women, she knew how wonderful J'var was but she couldn't risk her own future for him. He of all people should understand that.

"I was already vain before you said it." She grinned and though she could have kissed him for all the things he said she simply smiled. Her eyes were hiding her emotions again so he would have no choice but to think that this was friendly still.

Her whole face lit up at his accepting her inviting herself to sleep there."Thank you, a thousand times, thank you. I hope I'm not making things uncomfortable for you." She yawned again. "I'm so tired..."