Compassion For A Friend(B'rek)

[thedreamerlady]

Jenafa rarely bothered leaving her Weyr to seek out Bronzeriders. Yes, for the occasional Brownriding Lover she might, and to speak to her Blue/Green informants, she might be persuaded to be the one seeking out. It wasn't because she was lazy: it had, instead, a great deal to do with power. By making them come to her, she asserted her own power.

Which was why it was understandable that in this instance, she was seeking out the man, not the other way around. B'rek was her friend, and this action of hers had nothing to do with power.

She was carrying a wine bottle, not enough to get two people drunk, but it was a good gift, and she was dressed in a short blue dress. Seduction wasn't a mainstay of her attempt at helping B'rek with his emotions, but she couldn't help but make sure she looked presentable. It was part of who she was.

Knocking on B'rek's door, and opening it before he had a chance to answer, she looked in.

"B'rek, you in here? I was wondering if you needed some company."

[hrsegrl]

B'rek had spent the day doing drills and working out. Gavanth was a little concerned about his but he seemed to be progressing through his grief a little more every week so the Bronze let him work things out on his own. As for the man, he was spending more time working than playing and while he had always been a good, hard worker, he had also been the sort of person who knew when to have a good time.

The Bronzer was beginning to get past that thought that when he opened the door Nali would be there waiting for him. Or even that he would be able to seek her out later working. She was gone. He told himself this everytime such thoughts entered his head. She was gone and she wasn't coming back. Worse than that, she had given him everything she could. Her unending love, compassion and a beautiful daughter. He couldn't help but feel guilty and responsible for her death and it ate away at his usually light hearted spirit.

While some people might become disheveled when mourning, B'rek made himself look presentable every day. This might be due to Gavanth's stipulation that as Wingsecond they had to present a face to the Weyr. After all B'rek was not the only one to lose a loved one recently.

He was so lost in self depricating thoughts that he didn't hear the knock. It was a good thing she came in and spoke up anyway. At the sound of Jenafa's voice, B'rek looked up from the cup of klah he was staring at and placed it back on the table. The weyr was lit with some glows though it was still somewhat hard to see in places. "Jenafa? Oh, I wouldn't pass up on your company for anything. Come on in..."

[thedreamerlady]

Jenafa shut the door carefully behind her, before approaching B'rek, and throwing her arms around him for a hug. How lovely it was to be tall as all of the men in her life, everything she did allowed her to feel equal.

"Oh B'rek, I'm so sorry. I wish I'd come to see you earlier." To be honest, she'd wanted to allow him some time to grieve before she came to see him. Jenafa wasn't the best at handling emotions, but for B'rek she'd try. He'd always been good to her, and she'd needed that, back when she'd been just graduated from Weyrling training, and such. And he'd remained a good friend ever since.

Letting him go from her hug, Jen's eyes narrowed slightly. He felt thinner than usual, and she'd heard that he'd been, like many other grieving bronzeriders before him, throwing his life into work. Good for the Weyr, yes, but not good for the individual. At least he had his Bronze to keep him sane.

"You aren't holding up well." She announced. "And what did you name your child?"

[hrsegrl]

B'rek hugged her back warmly. It was nice to have Jen as a friend. Not only because she knew him well but because she was a woman. Bronzeriders weren't ones to hug other men or spill their hearts out to eachother and B'rek wasn't the sort to talk to a woman he didn't know about his loss.

"Thanks for stopping by. I know you must be busy." Those were the usual excuses for most people. He felt her release him and he was about to offer her a seat when she made her comments. "I'm fit as a fiddle." He argued, though it was a flimsy one. Even Gavanth knew he wasn't eating well enough.

"Nali named her..." He said softly, looking away from Jenafa. The two women were somewhat similair at times. Now was one of them. "Brenali." The name slipped off of his tongue like water falling.

[thedreamerlady]

"Brenali." Jenafa repeated softly. The poor woman. Jen could only picture the horror at realizing you'd only be allowed to name your children, and then die. How thankful she was that both Favian and Jesenfa had been ease births, and that she might even have another child.

"It's a beautiful name." Jen took a seat on B'rek's bed, and motioned for him to sit as well. "I have wine." She said quietly, "And you need to talk about this. So, tell me about Nali, tell me about your daughter."

The wineskin was already unstoppered, and though Jen hadn't brought any glasses, she doubted they needed any. It wasn't like she was afraid of sharing a skin with someone.

[hrsegrl]

"She deserves a beautiful name. Brenali is going to be a beautiful girl. " He assented to the talk in that way. B'rek had always been able to handle his liquor quite well. He wasn't afraid of becoming intoxicated and doing something stupid. After all, he did plenty of stupid things perfectly sober.

The Bronzerider sat down next to Jenafa. He didn't comment on how well the Goldrider looked but he had noticed. She was probably having quite the time, getting ready for the Hatching. Saharth deserved a Gold daughter. "I was only with her for two turns but it feels like a lifetime." He said, sighing at how mushy it all was. He hadn't been the hopeless romantic when he was younger. He was more spur of the moment then. Now he had responsibilities and that changed a person.

"When we decided to have a baby, I never imagined it turning out like this. I have two other children and their mothers were fine after giving birth. The Healers say there was nothing I could have done but there was. I could have taken her Between long before any of this happened and she would be here still..." Not for the first time he felt guilty for situations that were beyond his control. The only downside to all of this was that it made him feel worse for regretting his daughter's birth. B'rek couldn't juggle the joy of being a father again with the loss of his Weyrmate. He didn't know if he should be happy or depressed but he felt more depressed.

[thedreamerlady]

Jenafa rubbed B'rek's back comfortingly. She wasn't sure, exactly, what she was suppose to do. She wasn't much of an emotion girl. While she was there for her friends, it didn't mean that she knew what to do to make everything better. Especially not with this. Perhaps if Nali had broken things off with him, or was just sick she could have figured out what to do, but this was beyond her limited skills.

Of course, she could continue listening. Maybe if he talked about Nali, and how she was when she was alive, then maybe he'd, well, she wasn't sure what, but maybe it would make him feel better.

"You couldn't have known." Jen said seriously. "And Nali was excited about having a child, wasn't she?"

[hrsegrl]

B'rek was soothed a bit by her rubbing his back. He couldn't stop grieving even for a friend. He knew that he seemed a bit silly and childish at the moment. thankfully, he trusted Jen not to let anything said in here be taken elsewhere.

"She was very excited. So was I. Brenali is my third child." He said and then added on, " Nali's only child. I guess that means she was probably a bit more excited than I was." The Bronzerider glanced over his shoulder at Jen. "She wanted a family. As did I. There is no shame in being a mother but I would rather have her alive than have her able to bear children."

There wasn't really anything Jen could say to all this, he realized but he needed to vent. "You have children too, so you understand that I do care about the baby. I just can't help but blame her and myself for Nali. Maybe after a few days I'll be better... Brenali looks so much more like her mother."

[thedreamerlady]

Jenafa nodded. She understood exactly what he was talking about. Favian was so much like his father, that often she was struck dumb at the sight of him. And at least his father was still alive- the prat.

However, that wasn't something she was going to talk about. It wouldn't help anything other than distract B'rek for a little, only for his thoughts of Nali to rebound later, and hit him right in the gut. She could never do anything like that too a friend.

"Women love their children." She said softly. "If Nali wanted a child, nothing could have stopped her." Not even the thread of death, which was always a thread for women, no matter what.

"And in a few days you'll find that the love you have for Brenali is very different than the love you have for Nali, and hopefully you'll be able to separate the two."

Jen bit her lip. "Would you tell me about Nali? I never got to know her."

[hrsegrl]

B'rek thought on what she said though he knew he would have said the same to her were it the other way around. B'rek doubted she loved anyone at Igen like he had Nali though he often wondered about that Fort rider. That was the past and this was now, he needed to stay in the now or he would lose his chance to grieve with a person who actually cared. "Yes, I know and I couldn't tell her not to because she would never have listened." That was the truth. She had a mind of her own.

"She was kind of wild and had a temper. We would fight a lot but in the end she was still a very caring person. There were times when she seemed content and then others when she wanted more. I guess you could say she was a little dreamy when she thought about other places." He paused, reflecting on some memories.

The worst thing was that she was so inconsistant. "Nali was great at changing her mind. One moment she'd want something and the next she wanted something entirely different." B'rek thought that was how most the women he liked were. A bit challenging and hard to predict. He did like suprises fairly well.

[thedreamerlady]

Jen smiled, this Nali was someone she wished that she could have met. It wasn't often that they got wild women like that. Not to mention together they would have driven B'rek completely bonkers. The Queenrider, for a lack of anything else to do, continued to rub B'rek's back. The poor man.

She had nothing to compare it too. V'ini hadn't died, though she'd wished that he would when he'd shown how cowardly he was. It was worse when she, acting as Igen's avatar, came into contact with him. He'd gotten over her, she could tell, and she'd only asked once if he wanted to meet his son.

Lucky Nali, if she never had to face that betrayal. B'rek would have made the last two years the best of her life, Jenafa was sure.

"She sounds wonderful." Jenafa said, hoping that B'rek would continue talking. Maybe she'd speak to a MindHealer about what to do in cases like this. Faranath knew that she was hopeless.

[hrsegrl]

"Yes she was. You should know, I'd never have een weyrmated with someone who was less than wonderful." B'rek said lightly, trying to laugh off some of the sadness. Nothing would make his heart heal right now. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about her but he felt that there wasn't anything he could say that would do her any justice at all.

It was nice to have someone really care about what he was going through. He owed her big time. If she ever needed anything, well he was sure she wouldn't hesitate to ask him. They were friends before this happened and would be forever after this. Since his Bronze had flown her Gold, they had been friendly with eachother. It wasn't as if things were going to suddenly become weird because he lost his weyrmate.

"Maybe I ought to go to see a mind healer for a while? I wouldn't want this to affect the Wing at all. Actually A'stin might make me go anyway. He was going to dismiss me from drills for the next couple weeks but you know I'd rather be busy." He sighed.

"Loss is so much worse at night. Thats when everyone else is sleeping or with their lovers and I am alone again. I'm sure other people have felt this pain but there is no way of explaining the hurt in my heart right now. Nali wouldn't want me to mope around and be sad all the time."