Dragons Don't Solve All Problems(Nerine)

[thedreamerlady]

Nisha always hid in the little side corridors she'd found while cleaning the least used rooms and sections of the Weyr for turns. There were many places in the Weyr that hadn't been touched since she was last there, and many others that had hidden treasures that only she had seen. But Nisha, reluctant Greenrider didn't want to be a room. She didn't even want to be in a stone corridor, but she'd experienced something she thought was long gone in the Weyrbowl today, and she'd been practically shaking.

Old habits died hard, and there she was, holding her knees, realizing she would never be free of her curse. The greenrider picked at her flight leathers listlessly. She was now certain it had to do with dragons. She recognized the pull of a Green drawn into Flight. She recognized the lust it put into her body. And she wondered why it had taken this long to reappear.

And then she started crying, because the curse was going to make it impossible for her to be a good Rider, and she would be put into one of the lowest wings, if she was put into a Wing at all.

Barsamith should have never chosen her. Barsamith should have found a boy.

Nisha was a failure. And she knew it.

[laionii]

Bright jewels of blue searched the empty corridors as the pale candidate made her escape from the infirmary. There were days where being near the busy healers and being of some use made her feel better about her own situation, and then there were days where it only made things less bearable. Today happened to be a firestone training day and she had been attending weyrling riders all morning, and she had had enough. She began to sing a familiar harpers tune as she wandered further down the corridors into places she had never yet been.

Not really heading in any direction in particular Nerine felt herself relax, the quiet doing a great deal to settle her nerves. She rounded a corner slowly meandering when her gaze rested on a familiar form garbed in riding leathers. Curious as to why Nisha was sitting curled into a ball, and noticing the tremors through the woman’s body she decided to finaly speak up.

“are you alright Nisha?” Nerine had never been an extremely social person, but when someone needed somebody to talk to they found a sympathetic ear in the dark haired child. She moved over and sat down near Nisha, feeling the urge to put an arm around her comfortingly. “Did something happen?”

[thedreamerlady]

It was embarrassing, Nisha decided, to have comfort coming from a child six years younger than herself. Even if the child seemed as uncomfortable in large crowds as she herself was. But Nerine, unlike herself, wanted to Impress, needed to Impress, and that was the biggest different between the two of them. Not age.

"Nerine." Nisha said, in greeting, unable to decided how to speak of her problem. She'd never told her family, and the lovers she took because of her problem thought that was who she was. Discussing the curse was something new, and frightening. Something that would be avoided, but couldn't be.

"Something happened." Nisha said slowly, still trying to decide what to say. "I Impressed, but I shouldn't have. I wreck everything." Nisha shrugged. "I shouldn't be telling you this."

[laionii]

Nerine’s touch was soft, and gentle, it was in her nature to comfort others. There was always something soft about her. She listened intently Bright blue eyes searching the woman’s face as she spoke. She could hear the distress in her voice, a sense of something that Nerine couldn’t name. She tilted her head at Nisha’s words, studying the rider.

“You shouldn’t have?” she asked, a mild bewilderment written in those bright azure eyes. “You don’t wreck everything, tunnel snakes and wild wherries wreck everything.” She answered hoping to earn a smile from the distraught woman.

She couldn’t imagine anyone wishing they hadn’t impressed, it was something she longed for so desperately, for reasons she wasn’t sure she could fully explain. Nisha sat here weeping because she had things that Nerine had only dreamed of. None of this was expressed on her features however.

“What happened Nisha?” the tone in her voice was calm and comforting.

[thedreamerlady]

Nisha turned, and stared at the straight haired girl. Nisha pulled on one of her own curly locks before responding. There was no laughter in her voice. Brown eyes focused on blue ones, she spoke slowly, almost as though she were speaking to herself.

"Barsamith Impressed me, and I passed out. Barsamith savaged another Greenrider because of my weakness. I shouldn't have been standing in the first place: I was known as an unreliable worker, flighty, worse than a Greenrider." She cracked a smile at that, and then it faded away.

"All because Greenflights, and Goldflights. And then they stopped when I Impressed Barsamith. Before that even. When Nishor was conceived. But now they are back." Brown eyes looked at the celling.

"It's taken me turns to understand, and now I'm babbling it to the first person to come across me. I get Flight Lust from Green Flights. And I'm worthless because of that. One Green Flies, and I'm panting, looking for someone to be with. And thus, Barsamith should have never Impressed me."

Nisha bit her lip, closed her eyes, and selected a new curl to tug on, not caring if she made sense or not.

[laionii]

The pale girl considered her companion’s words carefully, mulling them over before she even considered uttering a syllable. It was not something unique, many people; even riders felt the same urges during gold flights, a few whenever their green rose. Nerine supposed it was part of the reason Weyr morals were so different than hold morals. She selected her words with care and deliberation.

“Nisha If you were not meant to impress, you would not have impressed.” She began simply, “You are an excellent flyer, and Barasmith chose you. I for one try not to get in the habit of telling a dragon she is wrong.”

Nerine thought for a minute pondering over possibilities. “Nisha, Is Barasmith getting ready to rise? Or is this something you experience every green flight?” Nerine could recall numerous embarrassing rendezvous sorted out in the infirmary as the result of dragon flights, though she herself had never really experienced such a thing. Likely they had vanished because of her pregnancy, but she didn’t want to suggest that she spend the rest of her life perpetually with child.

[thedreamerlady]

"Every Flight. Oh, some are weaker than others, Greens who don't mentally catch me. But even those leave me needy. And Barsamith has Flown. Got herself caught by a Brownrider who follows me, but he won't stay interested once he realizes what I've become."

Nisha started to cry more heavily. It was a problem she'd been dealing with since she was near the age of sixteen, and she'd thought it was gone. It had been gone for over a year. And it had only started creeping back when she'd stopped breast-feeding Nishor: or had it come back when Barsamith Flew her first time? Nisha couldn't handle it. She wanted to be a good worker, she wanted to be in a good Weyr, she wanted to be a good girl, but she never managed it. She Impressed, she gave birth as a Weyrling, she couldn't stay faithful. She babied a Bronzerider who'd threatened Neory.

Everything she did fell apart.

"Maybe I was suppose to Impress Barsamith. But that doesn't mean I should have." Nisha said quietly. "Girls aren't suppose to ride Green anymore, remember?"

A laugh, toneless. "Don't you understand what this means for both of us? I'll be a liability to Barsamith. I'll be sleeping around while she needs me. I never wanted to be like this."

[laionii]

Nerine listened intrigued by the effect green flights had on Nisha and the saying ‘like dragon like rider’ came to mind though she never put it into words. She stroked the dark curls trying to comfort Nisha, though the girl didn’t know what comfort she could offer. Nerine knew very little in the realms of sex.

However Nisha’s next words effected an icy change in the girl’s countenance. ‘girls aren’t supposed to ride green any more’ the old familiar pain rose in her chest churning just beneath the surface, Nerine knew all too well what was expected of women anymore and she hated it. There had to be more to life than breeding, some better purpose than laying her back in bed or birth for the rest of her life. She struggled to keep these emotions below the surface as Nisha spoke again.

Nisha continued on and her words sent daggers however unintentionally into the young girl. Nerine fought the desire to slap sense into the woman. Two parts of her were warring inside, the side that longed and ached so desperately to impress. The part of her that needed a dragon to be whole warred against her more tender nature. The part that knew she was here to comfort Nisha not chastise her.

“I am all too painfully aware of what it means.” Her voice had a slight edge to it exposing only a glimpse of the pain she felt.

“It means that you have to find a way to work through your problem, and I will never stand on the hatching grounds to impress.” Her words had an edge to them that was rarely ever found in Nerine’s voice. There was a reason she was working with the healers, It had been the last hatching, the one where they wouldn’t let her stand that she had tried something . . . foolish. Work kept her mind off it at least, but now it was once again thrown blatantly in her face. She stroked the girl’s hair, humming softly.

[thedreamerlady]

Nisha jerked back as though Nerine had slapped her. Her eyes widened, the brown flashing with outrage. This little girl didn't understand- but how had she expected a child to understand? She was fifteen, for Faranth's sake! Stupid, silly chit that she, herself, was.

"Oh Nerine." The Greenrider sighed. "You have five turns to Impress. Neory could decide to allow girls to Impress in her Clutches. Another Gold could be laid. And if you Impress, you'll deserve it!"

Her shaking her head made her curls bounce.

"You don't understand what it's like to always fail. I knew better than to Impress. But Barsamith didn't, and I love her, but I know her true rider was missing when she chose me. I can't even bond with her properly, but a stranger's green will have been lifting my skirts and chasing what have you." Nisha sighed. "And that is what I realize every day."

[laionii]

Nerine didn’t try to calm Nisha as she pulled away in outrage. Her eyes were deepening in hue, and pupils wide in frustration. She tried to hide her displeasure as Nisha spoke to her as though she were barely old enough to stand. Young as she was, she knew and understood more than people gave her credit for. Not that she understood Nisha’s displeasure.

“Four turn’s Nisha.” Her voice was threatening to waver but she forced the even smooth tones. “I only ever stood twice, and Sheluth was the first queen in thirty six clutchings . . . With that kind of record I think we can safely expect no more golds for the next ten years.” She sighed, “As long as Elisha remains senior Wyerwoman, it’s safe to assume that I will not be permitted to stand for green in that time ether” Nerine could not allow herself the hope of that changing any time soon. Her emotions were too fragile and the disappointment too great.

“Regardless, you’ve impressed and nothing can change that, but you try to make the best of it.” She said attempting to brighten.”There may be something that can be done.”

[thedreamerlady]

Nisha shook her head stubbornly. "Marisol allowed Elisha to disallow girls in her clutches. Neory's Weyrbred, she'll allow girls at her clutches. She's less than a turn from her first Flight, as well. You could make a good rider." Then Nisha shrugged softly.

"And at least we are not Holdbred, to marry whom our parents bid, despite how you feel about the man." Nisha added. "And we're even luckier than other Weyrs; unlike Igen at least you can hope for being treated equally."

Nisha shook her head. "I can see the good things, even as I realize I would have been better off in a place where I couldn't be a prime example of why girls shouldn't Ride." Nisha laughed bitterly.

"At least I'll have my children to keep me company."

[laionii]

“Elisha is Senior now, and she won’t let Neory allow it. Sheluth's young, and depending on who fly’s her there is little chance of a queen.” Nerine maintained. It didn’t help that her chances were already diminished; she never wanted to feel that sense of hopelessness again. No it was better not to hope at all than wish for the impossible.

Nerine snorted in disgusted at how ‘lucky’ she was. She had a glimpse of freedom, and she would always harbor some bitterness to Elisha for taking that away from her. Some of it spilled over to Nisha for defending her, but the pale child couldn’t be angry with the green rider. Well so she thought. As Nisha continued the same daggers reopened the reservoir of emotion Nerine continued to struggle to hold back. “It isn’t as though every woman experience what you do Nisha, “ she said without anger; but the bitterness was starting to show.

At the comment about children Nerine felt even more embittered.
“Your children are proof that women can ride and act as the breeders Elisha seems so desperate for.” Her emotions were beginning to show more strongly, and the girl who fought so hard to keep everything bottled down could tell she was loosing control.

[thedreamerlady]

"Yes, but just as I represent exactly what is hated about Greenriding women, there are women out there; like that old Brownrider, and most of the Blueriders, who are merely the best dragonrider you can hope for. There are polar opposites in this debate. And Goldriders are chosen because of their willpower, remember?"

Nisha stared unblinkingly at the candidate/drudge. "If you believe in this, you should work on convincing Neory. Make her believe, and she'll stand up to her senior, just like Elisha did by refusing girls on her clutches."

"And we can't act as breeders. Nishor is raised by his father, and the time I take to feed him, should be used for Barsamith. And when I was pregnant I could have never worked as a Wingrider." Nisha laughed, this time it wasn't bitter. "However, I'll probably end up in one of the lower Wings, or even the Queen's wing, so there won't be any problems."

The Queen's Wing was for old rider's who didn't want to retire, or for rider-dragon pairs who couldn't function as Wingriders, but who could serve as something else, far more usefully. It was an elegant solution, Nisha admitted, and it would make it easier for her to have children there.

[laionii]

Nerine’s brilliant silver blue eyes were intense as she absorbed Nisha’s words that ever thinning barrier around her emotions threatening to burst but she was shocked at Nisha’s words. She considered them carefully. She had expected her to continue to defend the woman who single handedly destroyed her dreams and her jaw slackened as she understood what Nisha was Suggesting. Could she convince Neory? Nerine was damned determined to try, and just like her work in the infirmary she would throw herself at the task with no reservations. As for impressing a gold, she didn’t know if she was Weyrwoman material, but she was the same streak of stubborn as her father and his entire line.

“I never thought of it that way Nisha. “ she admitted, “Even if I can’t convince Neory it will be a step in the right direction.” She sighed.

She shook her head as Nisha spoke. “I know Elisha has a point, it just hurts when you want something so badly and may never have it. Maybe the Queen’s wing would be a good place for you, and I am sure there is some way to suppress the effect of mating flights.” She offered.

[thedreamerlady]

Apparently, Nisha thought dully, the thick stones walls weren't enough. She could feel the burning sensation start to grow in her body, and realized what was happening. Standing up suddenly, she smiled softly down at Nerine, looking motherly, a look she often slipped into these days.

"Nerine, I have to go." Nisha swallowed, but she knew better than to remain around an innocent while feeling like this. "However, if you need me for anything, just ask around. And," Nisha cast her eyes at her feet, then continued. "If you think of anything that might help me fight this, let me know."

She started off down the hallway, calling over her shoulder once she was close to a hundred feet away.

"See you around!"

(End here, or end on your end?)